cinema_babe: (Winter)
"Time does not heal old simply get used to them"

Someone posted this in a non LJ community I belong to and I loved the quote so much I told her I was stealing it. I think this is true. Grief is that sometimes barren plain you pass through as you journey from loss to acceptance.

This quote also reminds me of a phrase I *loath* "I/You need closure." I always feel that closure is code for 'getting over it' and some things one cannot get over. Some wounds are tiny and can heal without a scar, others leave their mark on your flesh for the rest of your life. The very word 'closure' conjures up the image for me of putting something in big dark closet never to be spoken of in public again.

If I close myself off to the things I've grieved in my life, I cut myself off from something that has powerfully shaped the landscape of me. I think once the doors to certain rooms are open, they can't be shut.
It's not about closure for me, it's about integration.

But how do I embrace my grief as a "cancer surviving divorcee who has had a miscarriage and survived a thousand other little disasters"? By feeling it and acknowledging it. The things I have grieved don't interrupt the joy of my life they inform it and make it more nuanced.

A little piece of all my griefs are a part of who I am and shape how I perceive and respond to the world.


Mar. 27th, 2006 07:42 pm
cinema_babe: (Flash. cleavage)
My mind has forged a link between this Leonard Cohen poem and my feelings about kissing. I suspect it's because for me, this poem captures the inner monologue that swirls through the a lover's mind during a final kiss.

Or maybe not.

This is one of his poems; I don't know if he ever set it to music. Every time I read it a Celtic/modal tune plays in my head. Maybe I'll write it down one day or even record it.

Or maybe not.

This piece always makes me think of the sea in autumn; brine and woodsmoke in my nose. At the same time it reminds me of an Irish landscape, like something from Ryan's Daughter. This poem haunts me because in it I see the faces of some of the men I left and some of the men who left me.

TRAVEL by Leonard Cohen

Loving you, flesh to flesh, I often thought
Of traveling penniless to some mud throne
Where a master might instruct me how to plot
My life away from pain, to love alone
In the bruiseless embrace of stone and lake.

Lost in the fields of your hair I was never lost
Enough to lose a way I had to take;
Breathless beside your body I could not exhaust
The will that forbid me contract, vow,
Or promise, and often while you slept
I looked in awe beyond your beauty.

Now I know why many men have stopped and wept
Halfway between the loves they leave and seek,
And wondered if travel leads them anywhere -
Horizons keep the soft line of your cheek,
The windy sky's a locket for your hair.


Oct. 30th, 2005 05:27 pm
cinema_babe: (Default)
I love doing memes but I rarely post my results. This one is very funny to me as this was the first "real drink" I ever had (I'm not counting all that cheap Boone's Farm Wine. 'Tickle Pink' anyone?)

What can I say, I'm easily amused )
cinema_babe: (Eye)
I have always been one of those people who can get along with (almost) anyone, has a good number of acquaintances at work/school and the like but, only a very few people I consider friends.

I'm a very private person and tend to keep most people at arms length. It's really a big deal for me to let anyone into my "inner circle". Once you’re there, though, I've got your back for life. There is nothing I won't do for my friends: money, mayhem, murder; nothing. (Well, maybe not actual *murder* but you get the general idea.)

I never used to believe that you could truly make friends in an on-line environment because of the loss of the face to face element. (I'll post my thoughts on the Windows of Johari vis a vis relationships on-line and IRL some other time.) I've been lucky enough to meet some great people who have challenged my attitudes about the reality of a relationship between people who only interact in an electronic environment versus IRL. I still think that on-line friendships are a different animal then friendships IRL but I've come to see, no, *experience* that the love, support and, yes sometimes drama, can be there whether you ever share a cup of coffee with someone or not.

People I *don’t* like? I usually try to just to give them a wide berth so I don’t have to be nice to someone I dislike. If I don't like you and you insist upon inserting yourself in my life (try to create the illusion that I like you or cross my "politeness boundary" in any way) let's just say I hope you have a couple of big fluffy towels to wipe up your blood. I'll warn you the first time. The second time? I do my best imitation of a wood chipper on your ass.

I truly don't like letting that beast loose; it's like I become someone else. (There's a streak of mental illness a mile wide in the women on my mother's side and it scares me to imagine what I would be like if I hadn't been in therapy for so many years: smart as a whip *and* angrily out of control....). Fortunately, I don't get violent anymore when I get angry. I feel this tremendous *weight*, a responsiblity, because I really think that in some ways I can do a lot more damage with my words then I could ever do with a well aimed shoe. "The more you know, the more you owe."

Hmmmm, I'm not as scary as this post might make me seem. Really.

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