Easy Wind and Downy Flake

"Time does not heal old wounds...you simply get used to them"

Someone posted this in a non LJ community I belong to and I loved the quote so much I told her I was stealing it. I think this is true. Grief is that sometimes barren plain you pass through as you journey from loss to acceptance.

This quote also reminds me of a phrase I *loath* "I/You need closure." I always feel that closure is code for 'getting over it' and some things one cannot get over. Some wounds are tiny and can heal without a scar, others leave their mark on your flesh for the rest of your life. The very word 'closure' conjures up the image for me of putting something in big dark closet never to be spoken of in public again.

If I close myself off to the things I've grieved in my life, I cut myself off from something that has powerfully shaped the landscape of me. I think once the doors to certain rooms are open, they can't be shut.
It's not about closure for me, it's about integration.

But how do I embrace my grief as a "cancer surviving divorcee who has had a miscarriage and survived a thousand other little disasters"? By feeling it and acknowledging it. The things I have grieved don't interrupt the joy of my life they inform it and make it more nuanced.

A little piece of all my griefs are a part of who I am and shape how I perceive and respond to the world.

I gave myself 60 seconds to "List 10 Things I Cannot Live Without."

I know that, biologically at least, I could live without these things but they lie on that boundary between living and being alive and engaged for me. I have lived a dutiful life of mild satisfaction and it was, in its own way, a good life. But, I am challenging myself to live a life beyond the mild okay and be more fully engaged.

I want to feel my nerve endings twinkle and throb.

(These are in no particular order.)
1. Culture & Art (as I define it for me): movies, books, music, food, good whiskey and good wine, etc
2. A good sleep
3. Sunlight shining through jewel toned glass
4. Candle flame
5. The shore
6. Human contact (much more than I allow myself to have and more than I want to admit this occasionally, but I am getting better at this.)
7. Sensuality and Sexuality; That feel of laying flesh to flesh with another person)
8. 2:37 am
9. Computer technology and all it's assorted toys
10.Creating

Feel free to steal this and use it in your own blog if you like.

I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for a while and I have no idea how long it’ll hold my short attention span. Here is the merest sliver of who I am:

1. I am the eldest of 2 children.

2. I have no living children and never will.

3. I have been married once. I think that was my lifetime quota.

4. I love to write but can’t punctuate worth a damn.

5. I have lived in New Jersey my whole life and love it here.

6. I swear like a sailor (or truckdriver or librarian or whatever)

7. I love to read, classics are my favorite.

8. My favorite color is deep, clear cobalt blue.

9. I have a sexy voice and laugh (so people tell me)

10. I find it easier to joke around men because I think women take things too seriously. (Yes, I know this is a generalization…..)

11. Charles Dickens, Victor Hugo and Thomas Hardy are my favorite authors. I have read every book written by all three of them (most of them more then once.)

12. I am both fat and beautiful. The “F” word freaks a lot of people out. Sucks to be them. It’s a description, not a slur.

13. I am a movie fanatic; if it’s on film I’ve probably seen it. Feel free to hit me up for suggestions and about what to rent or see.

14. I’ve seen The Godfather over a dozen times. I still jump when Fredo gets killed.

15. I am a technoholic. I will never have a computer beefy or fast enough; never have a flash drive too big. Technology is my crack

16. I know how to bake bread and I’m pretty good at it.

17. My 3 favorite places on earth are (1) Cape May, New Jersey, USA; (2) Bermuda; (3) Laying on the deck of a cruise ship in the middle of the Atlantic on the way to Bermuda

18. I will carry a purse until it literally falls apart and then I will spend weeks trying to find the perfect one again because I know it will have to last years.

19. The Foo Fighters are amazing. Ben Folds is amazing. The Clash was amazing. God bless you Joe Strummer.

20. I don't like hot weather. I would rather be cold and snuggled under a blanket than sweating and trying to stay cool.

21. I hate camping. I hate the bugs, the lack of bathrooms, and smoke from the fire. Give me a hotel room anyday.

22. I love to surprise people with gifts.

23. Did I mention that I hate the term BBW? Not every fat woman is beautiful and not every beautiful woman is fat. I see the two as independent concepts. Articulating this does not endear me to people.

24. yohannon is one of the coolest people alive. I bow to his awesomeness (And no, you don’t really know me)

25. I am terrified to fly in an airplane.

26. I have a severe phobia of snakes. Spiders are not a bother. I am allergic to bees

27. I am a cancer survivor. To save my life, my doctors performed a radical hysterectomy which left large scar that runs from my navel down to my pubic bone.

28. Feminism is about making life choices. Pick a traditional path, be a trailblazer, we need both kinds of women in society, it’s all good. I think old school feminism has lost sight of this.

29. I am a very sensual and sexual person. Having a hysterectomy *did not* change that (thank god!) I'm always searching for my next orgasm

30. I am pro life but in Roman Catholic sort of way. I think that capital punishment is wrong and I think abortion is wrong. I have no problem with the concepts of wealth, class or status but believe that one must pay a just, livable wage to one’s employees. (Google “Pax Christi”) I am not threatened, upset or freaked out by people who disagree with me; I believe that reasonable, decent people can disagree on these issues. However, there must always be room for dialog.

31. I piss Liberals off with my conservative viewpoints (see #30) and I piss Conservatives off with my liberal viewpoints. I eschew all labels except one: Human.

32. I love driving and want to drive cross country

33. I will talk to anyone about my belief system in an appropriate situation but I think proselytizing sucks.
34. I am a bundle of contradictions wrapped in soft brown skin.

35. I love coffee, the taste as well as the buzz. I used to smoke.

37. I can’t wiggle my nose but I can arch my right eyebrow

38. My favorite drink is a Jack and Coke with 2 lime wedges or a screwdriver made with fresh squeezed orange juice.

39. I don't like the taste of beer.

40. If you think you know who I am, I assure you, you don’t.

41. I am a Gemini; we are the bullshit artists of the Zodiac. I am a writer and talker extraordinaire

Perhaps I will post another 41 some day.