The Johari Window (Part 2)

So what does the Johari Window have to do with making me a better employee?? Plenty!

Armed with this concept of the Johari Window at a fairly young age (16 or 18,) whenever I got feedback, formal or informal, I just began to take it in as part of that blind quadrant. I’ve been told on just about every job I’ve ever had that I’m great at taking feedback and incorporating it into my job performance. And while many aspects of going through therapy was painful, again, I used to get high marks for trying out things that were suggested to my by my therapist.

Apparently I must be better than most people or it wouldn’t constantly keep coming up, lol. When I processed it, what I came to was that criticism is not a threat to me. I’m just moving data from the blind quadrant to the open quadrant.

(I also realized somewhere along the way that feedback is usually little more than an opinion and *I* choose whether I act on it or not.)

The Johari Window (Part 3)

If you don't follow my logic, please don't throw (big) stones at me, a simple comment such as, "HUH??" will suffice. So what does the Johari Window have to do with my theories on on-line romance?

According to the Johari Window, every relationship has the four quadrants (Hidden, Open, Blind and Unknown). When people are getting to know each other strictly through technologically mediated communication (internet, phone, IM, etc) there is a near inability to have a “Blind” quadrant. Everything you know about your inamorata (or new best buddy or whatever) is based on what they allow you to see and when they let you see it. I suspect that a large part of what determines if we want someone in our life as a friend and/or lover comes from the blind quadrant. Why? Think about this. How many times have you been on a first or even second date and the potential relationship just fizzled? S/he never called again. You might not know what it was that caused the person to lose interest. Maybe they were never that into you in the first place. That’s all part of your blind quadrant; The part of you that only that other person knows.

Anyone can *sound* sweet or sensitive, or whatever it is you need, in an email. Your perception of them is filtered through what they choose to show you of themselves. To be sure some people are very lousy at lying or hiding. You might know just by your interaction on line that this is not someone you can trust or want to be with. Even then, you are only seeing a part of the person, the part they choose to bring on line.

Let me clarify, I'm *not* talking about people who become acquainted on line but move their courtship into the F2F realm. I do believe that people who have only communicated via computer or phone can develop feelings that are very real and intense, but I liken those feelings to flowers grown in a hothouse: beautiful blooms that flower in an artificial environment. For me the question is always, can this survive outside of the hothouse? When someone is courting you on-line they will always seem far more perfect because that part of the other person that only you know is filtered through what they reveal you. Like many pack animals, humans depend on tangible contact, in real time, to fully assess their partner's worthiness (you can’t sniff someone’s ass through a DSL line!) I think so called on-line relationships rob humans of that chance to size up their new mate. This is the result of the loss of the blind quadrant.

Right now, there are probably people saying, “But I/my friend Millie/my aunt Joan, (pick one) met someone on line and we’re/they’re sooooo happy!”

To that I would say two things. One, I never said that people can’t *meet* and get to know each other each other on line. I just think the aliveness, the full sizing up, can’t take place without time spent together in person. I didn’t say these folks didn’t fall in love, I just have a hard time putting stock in it happening sight unseen (and a bunch of pixels arranged in JPEG format is not truly sight, lol.)

The other thing I would say is the whole concept of mating via the Internet is still relatively new. (Newsflash, 10 years is a drop in the bucket of time!) I think it will likely be another 10-30 years before we can really assess how successful Match.coms and eHarmonys of the world are over the long term.

True, there were mail order brides and arranged marriages years and in those cases the couple might not meet until the wedding. That is true however, we’ve never had the phenomenon of people meeting and marrying with so little face to face time in conjunction with the complete person freedom to be who you want. In the past, the roles of "husband" and "wife" were strictly delineated and and significant deviance could result in social censure. If a man ordered a bride from a catalog everyone knew that part of her role would be to take care of the house, while his would be to provide financial support. Today each person has an array of life choices to make. This complicates the idea of ordering up Mr and Ms Right. The meshing of roles and expectations is a tricky negotiation in the best of circumstances but conducted without the benefit of body language and vocal inflections it can create a minefield.

Rosa Parks

Everyone is weighing in with thoughts on this Great American Citizen so I might as well throw my two cents in as well.

I think Rosa Parks was ripped off. I think the conventional portrait of her as "that black lady on the bus who, fatigued, said 'No More' and began a New American Revolution’” reduces her to someone who unwittingly stumbled upon her moment and this does her a great disservice.

Growing up in the late 60s and 70s, the concept of killing a person strictly because of race was as distant to me as 45s are to kids today. It was some horrific, evil chapter in American history. I say this because a woman, doing what Rosa Parks did would have marked herself as a KKK target. What commands even more of my respect is that this was no impulsive decision on her part. No, Ms Parks arrest was a planned and executed military action. It is true that she was a peaceful warrior, but warrior she was nonetheless.

So why do I feel she was ripped off? By portraying her as tired black women who refused to relinquish her seat on the bus in the heat of a moment; reduces Ms Parks, and others involved with this incident, to passive reactors. This is in direct opposition to their real roles as urban guerrillas who planned and executed a peaceful attack on a vile way of life. This incident was planned by people who were smart, organized and deeply committed to their cause, even if it meant their injury or death.

These people were not tired angry sheep; they were cunning foxes setting a trap for the racist white capos of the South. The pigs ate the bait and a bright light was shone into the darkest crevices of our national shame.

Rosa Parks was actively involved in the civil rights struggle long before the incident on the bus. She was, in fact, the secretary of the Montgomery chapter of the NAACP. When she agreed or volunteered, (I apologize for not knowing which) to commit this act of defiance against an immoral law, she knowingly agreed to have the entire weight of an oppressive, coercive, violent regime breathing inches away from her face.

This is no literary exaggeration. This was a time when lynching and murder was not uncommon and black women were not exempt from harsh treatment. For all Rosa Parks knew, an angry mob could have decided to break into the jail and carry her off to murder her.

But, she did it anyway. Damn.

Would you be willing to take that kind of chance with your life to challenge an immoral law? I’m not talking about just going to jail, I mean facing the very real prospect of someone trying to kill you because of what you believe to be right. Wait. Don’t answer so quickly, really think about it for a minute or two.

Would you?

While Rosa Parks lies in state, I will take a personal moment of silence, bow my head and raise my fist in tribute to her courageous act of defiance.

Some day I will open a book and point to a picture of Rosa Parks and I will tell my niece that women warriors still walk this earth. Fierce Amazons thirsty for social justice, not blood. And I will encourage her to join them.