Different Song, Same Verse

I am a control freak, my (soon to be ex)husband tells me that, my old shrink told me that (only she used nicer words) my friends tell me that. The thing I control most tightly is how people perceive me. I only tell people what I want them to know and want them to see.

A few years ago we went to marriage counseling (a lot of good that money did, HA!) The counselor (who really didn't like me) told me "You're a real tough cookie, aren't you. I bet you enjoy making people scared of you, don't you?"

My response? "Yup." A Pause, "You're scared of me aren't you?"

Her response? "Well, yes I am."

(Since then I have learned to play a little nicer but don't be fooled. I'm always injecting my own brand of subversiveness into the proceedings.)

That's how I have lived my life. I am the "Uber Frau", An Amazon, Diana, Athena and Demeter.

Well, at least that's what "they" think.

I'm probably more myself when I journal for a couple of reasons:
1. No one here is depending on my strength for their sanity. It's nice to be in a place where people are constantly trying to thrust responsibility upon you. Here I can just pull up a chair and just watch.
2. Theoretically, I will probably meet few, if any, of you outside of this venue so it doesn't matter if you like me (although your respect and friendship would be nice.)

It's nice to have a place where I can let my neuroses hang out and my freak flag fly high.

I should probably be institutionalized, shouldn't I?

Persona non grata

So I haven't discussed this whole d-i-v-o-r-c-e thing with anyone yet, I don't feel like explaining why M and I are still sharing living space if we are separated. I have given my sister the word that things are not good and a split is likely but that's it for now. There so much debris to clean up. I'm trying to stay focused on the functional and practical but there's so much more beneath the surface then people realize.

I just found out that my husband's sister had the twins she was expecting. For the past 8 years I would make elaborate gift baskets for his (large) family and enjoyed it. Every new baby got a hand decorated ornament with their name and birth year. I guess the new little boy babies will miss out.

This year I'm struggling to think of what to do so I won't be alone on Thanksgiving Day.

The Hotel where we stayed every year called to be sure we didn't forget to book with them. My eyes stayed dry when I told them we wouldn't be booking for this year. Maybe next year I'll have a new lover and we'll roll around in the soft clean sheets.

This starting a new life thing is disorienting. On one hand, I love this idea of trying on different outfits (labels) and seeing what fits me. On the other hand, I had a life that worked for me, sort of, even if it wasn't perfect and now I'm leaving it all behind to be someone I haven't met yet.

So I guess this is what jumping out of an airplane is like. Gee, I hope my parachute opens.