Wearing His Socks

[cinema_babe]

5 years ago yesterday I was sitting in a hospital room holding his hand. He was hanging in a type of suspended animation surrounded by whirring and humming machines whose job it was to keep him alive for another few hours.

5 years ago I couldn't imagine not feeling as if I had been hit in my solar plexus with a baseball bat, I thought that feeling would last forever but it didn't. Today, I am just wistful.

I'm going to sleep tonight wearing his thick woolen socks. I gave away the clothes he kept at my house years ago but I kept the socks. (What can I say, my toes get chilly).

I'll leave you with something I wrote here 5 years ago.

And soon it will be my birthday, and then his birthday, and then Fall and Christmas and he will be dead a year and then a decade and then one day I'll be gone and our most intimate shared memories will go with me.

There are times I feel like a shattered tumbler but I'm not. I'm a chipped glass and time will sand down that jagged edge on the rim and one day I will be filled again to the brim with trust, love and affection to be drunk and I'll drink from vessel of the man I love in return.

I don't have any pithy, clever way to end this except to use Samuel Beckett's words from The Unnamable,

"[I]t will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on,

I'll go on."

I did, dear reader, and I am, and I will.

Comments

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[cinema-babe.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, I know you get this.

[emmabovary.livejournal.com]

Oh this is horribly sad. And well-written.

[cinema-babe.livejournal.com]

The end is sad but he donated his organs so in a very real way it's not so sad after all. I know that there are people walking around out there because of his gift.

When I met him I felt so damaged and he never tried to fix me but only encouraged me to fix myself. That was another gift, a very personal and intimate one. I would never wish that ending on anyone's relationship but stuff happens in life, it's your choice what you do with it.

I just hope I did okay, I think I did.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful, and sorrowful beyond measure.

[cinema-babe.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I don't know if I ever told you how much your words and kind thoughts meant to me during that time.

It's funny though, I know I was mourned but time and perspective have really helped. It's sort of like when I sprained my ankle in college. I remember being in tremendous pain but I don't remember the pain itself (which is probably a good thing).

[bicrim.livejournal.com]

I can't believe it's been 5 years. Five years ago Isaac did not exsist and Elliot was a baby. Thank you for sharing your love and recovery. I'm sure he would be proud and happy that you are doing so well.

[cinema-babe.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I hope so.

[sagefemme11.livejournal.com]

Cycle of life turning and all.

I send you peace tonight.

Om.

[cinema-babe.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I felt all the good energy you sent my way and it was greatly appreciated. I think you and I can both appreciate how dramatically life can change in 5 years (even if you're not a kid)

[naughty-halo.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

[cinema-babe.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, babe. You were such a rock for me and I don't know if I ever thanked you enough. I usually hate speculating on what Jim would have said or done but I feel pretty safe in sating that he would be thrilled for you and Matt.

And then he'd probably try to get the DJ job, lol.