This one's for you, Mother.

[cinema_babe]

I was chatting with onecrazymother Saturday night about a cover of Pink Floyd's comfortably numb by Dar Williams with Ani DiFranco. Their sweet, clear voices give it a creepy but seductive sound. onecrazymother made the comment that sung by women, the song could be about postpartum depression.

That statement dislodged a thought I'd been having lately about mothers and daughters. A couple of weeks ago I heard Cyndi Lauper doing a duet on "Time After Time" with Sara McLachlan. I was struck by how the lyrics, seemingly a love song to the boy/girl you leave behind to find yourself (or vice versa), to me sounded like a mother sending her daughter out into the world.

Or more accurately, *my mother* sending me out into the world. I wrote a poem once (that I will spare you all for now) that in part how she would look at these adults in her house and regard us as hostile thieves who stole her babies.

My relationship with her is complicated, to say the least. She is lost to me in so many way, trapped in her haze of massive doses of anti-depressants and cult like fundamental Christianity. But she still worries about me; feels much guilt over the childhood she consigned me to. I have made peace wth the fact that I will never get what I need from her; through no fault of her own, she is incapable. I wish she could accept that I will never give her what she wants from me; it's a price that was simply too high for me to pay so I stopped long ago. So here we are always slightly out of step with each other.

To my Mother who should have been a writer, who should have taught people and should have gone to London when she was 22 and travelled around Eurpoe for a year, to her I dedicate this video clip.

Watch on YouTube

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Turning in circles confusion--
Is nothing new
Flashback to warm nights--
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories,
Time after--

Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you have said--
And you say--go slow--
I've fall behind--
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I will be waiting
Time after time
Time after time

After your picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows--I'm wondering
If you're OK
You say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The drum beats out of time--

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I will be waiting
Time after time

Time after time
(Time after time)
Time after time
Time after time
(Time after time)
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
(Time after time)
Time after... time (time)

Comments

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

I used to sing "Time After Time" to my mother when she was dying in the hospital. To me, it's not a romantic song; it's about all sorts of love and faith.