Nice Guy Syndrome
Oct. 20th, 2012 06:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cinema_babe"Women only want men who treat them like shit\bad boys" "The ignore guys like me and only call me if they need help" "Nice guys really do finish last"
We need to have a little talk. This might be uncomfortable but it's for your own good.
So there was this girl that you were attracted to. You hung out with her and her friends, even picked up the tab for a couple of rounds; helped her when her car needed a jump during that snowstorm; she found a mouse in her house and you set up the trap 8and * got rid of it; you met her at the local diner at 3am while she cried over being dumped by her cheating boyfriend.
When she finally pulled herself together enough to go home you hugged her and reassured her she was better off without a jerk like him while you were thinking, "why doesn't she see *me*?; I could make her happy, I'd treat her the way she deserves to be treated".
No you wouldn't.
Women want a man who acts as though he is confident, secure in himself and his identity and has decent self esteem. The guy who hang around the fringes trying to prove how good a boyfriend he would be doesn't project any of that and end up firmly ensconced in the "Friend Zone". He isn't going anywhere.
It is a myth that women never want a nice guy and/or they are only attracted to assholes. Women want a good man; big difference. A good man not only projects confidence but he also has healthy and firm boundaries. Here's where it gets tricky; assholes tend to project a lot of confidence; being ballsy will do that. If they are shrewd enough they can masquerade as good men but we all know they aren't.
Nice guys can engage in emotional manipulation that approaches misogyny.
Yes, I know you do stuff for her; I know that you are there for her whenever she needs emotional support; I know you may have even bought her some thoughtful present that shows her that you were listening to that story about how much she has loved penguins since she was a little girl.
Guess what, she's under no obligation to feel about you in any particular manner. While it might not be your conscience intention, the idea implied by, "how come she won't go out with me" is that you do this stuff because you expect her to return your affections. When your thought process descends into the "women never want the nice guys only the assholes" now you approaching misogyny. I hear your protestations but trust me on this.
So what's a nice guy to do?
#1 Have you ever asked her out? You would be amazed how often this never happens. Women aren't mind readers. She might think you're gay or interested in one of her friends, maybe she's just narcissistic who thinks that men *owe* her that kind of treatment.
If you don't try to plant that flag on the hill you are just loudly shouting how timid and insecure you are. What's the worst that can happen? That she might turn you down flat?
Oh, so that's the issue.
If you actually *know* she doesn't like you that way, it makes you seem like a creep to keep hanging around, right. Well guess what, you seem like a creep anyway. Someone with self esteem and confidence wouldn't hang around like that but a nice guy does. Life sucks, it happens, man up and deal with it.
This is where a nice guy differs from a good man. A good man will feel just as disappointed but is not going to go out of his way to do boyfriend stuff for a woman who doesn't want to be his girlfriend. This includes allowing her to call you at crazy hours of the night, listening to her problems with other men and inconveniencing yourself (I mean really, at her age she doesn't have AAA??).
This is not about being a bad person or being rude or not being a friend. This is all about having healthy, reasonable boundaries. Nice guys don't have them; good men do.
Oh, and let's talk about something else: why are you hung up on such a POS in the first place?
Okay, maybe that's harsh but let's think about this for a moment, hm? She calls you her friend (maybe?) she asks for (and gets) your time and sympathy and energy and everything else you give. She treats you like a boyfriend and expects you to be her emotional support.
Does she thank you? Does she promise to do the same for you're in a pinch? Does she follow through on those promises. Does she ever call you for no reason, just to chat?
If she doesn't she's an emotional vampire and *why in the blue blazes do you stick around? You love her? Do you love her or some kind of idealized image of what you think she is? Believing yourself to be in love with someone is no reason to be a human doormat
But a good man already knows that.
This is a long read, I know but I'm glad we could have this chat. You'll probably be pissed at me for a while but that's okay because deep inside you know I'm right.
We need to have a little talk. This might be uncomfortable but it's for your own good.
So there was this girl that you were attracted to. You hung out with her and her friends, even picked up the tab for a couple of rounds; helped her when her car needed a jump during that snowstorm; she found a mouse in her house and you set up the trap 8and * got rid of it; you met her at the local diner at 3am while she cried over being dumped by her cheating boyfriend.
When she finally pulled herself together enough to go home you hugged her and reassured her she was better off without a jerk like him while you were thinking, "why doesn't she see *me*?; I could make her happy, I'd treat her the way she deserves to be treated".
No you wouldn't.
Women want a man who acts as though he is confident, secure in himself and his identity and has decent self esteem. The guy who hang around the fringes trying to prove how good a boyfriend he would be doesn't project any of that and end up firmly ensconced in the "Friend Zone". He isn't going anywhere.
It is a myth that women never want a nice guy and/or they are only attracted to assholes. Women want a good man; big difference. A good man not only projects confidence but he also has healthy and firm boundaries. Here's where it gets tricky; assholes tend to project a lot of confidence; being ballsy will do that. If they are shrewd enough they can masquerade as good men but we all know they aren't.
Nice guys can engage in emotional manipulation that approaches misogyny.
Yes, I know you do stuff for her; I know that you are there for her whenever she needs emotional support; I know you may have even bought her some thoughtful present that shows her that you were listening to that story about how much she has loved penguins since she was a little girl.
Guess what, she's under no obligation to feel about you in any particular manner. While it might not be your conscience intention, the idea implied by, "how come she won't go out with me" is that you do this stuff because you expect her to return your affections. When your thought process descends into the "women never want the nice guys only the assholes" now you approaching misogyny. I hear your protestations but trust me on this.
So what's a nice guy to do?
#1 Have you ever asked her out? You would be amazed how often this never happens. Women aren't mind readers. She might think you're gay or interested in one of her friends, maybe she's just narcissistic who thinks that men *owe* her that kind of treatment.
If you don't try to plant that flag on the hill you are just loudly shouting how timid and insecure you are. What's the worst that can happen? That she might turn you down flat?
Oh, so that's the issue.
If you actually *know* she doesn't like you that way, it makes you seem like a creep to keep hanging around, right. Well guess what, you seem like a creep anyway. Someone with self esteem and confidence wouldn't hang around like that but a nice guy does. Life sucks, it happens, man up and deal with it.
This is where a nice guy differs from a good man. A good man will feel just as disappointed but is not going to go out of his way to do boyfriend stuff for a woman who doesn't want to be his girlfriend. This includes allowing her to call you at crazy hours of the night, listening to her problems with other men and inconveniencing yourself (I mean really, at her age she doesn't have AAA??).
This is not about being a bad person or being rude or not being a friend. This is all about having healthy, reasonable boundaries. Nice guys don't have them; good men do.
Oh, and let's talk about something else: why are you hung up on such a POS in the first place?
Okay, maybe that's harsh but let's think about this for a moment, hm? She calls you her friend (maybe?) she asks for (and gets) your time and sympathy and energy and everything else you give. She treats you like a boyfriend and expects you to be her emotional support.
Does she thank you? Does she promise to do the same for you're in a pinch? Does she follow through on those promises. Does she ever call you for no reason, just to chat?
If she doesn't she's an emotional vampire and *why in the blue blazes do you stick around? You love her? Do you love her or some kind of idealized image of what you think she is? Believing yourself to be in love with someone is no reason to be a human doormat
But a good man already knows that.
This is a long read, I know but I'm glad we could have this chat. You'll probably be pissed at me for a while but that's okay because deep inside you know I'm right.
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no subject
Date: 2012-10-20 11:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 04:56 am (UTC)My only critique is with the phrase "If you don't try to plant that flag on the hill", because, well . . . ew. Asking someone out, even if they accept, doesn't constitute peeing on their leg and saying that they're now your property/territory.
(I know, it's there for narrative effect, but it's the one thing that put me off. Otherwise, I'm in complete agreement!)
-- A <3
no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 07:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 07:58 am (UTC)It just felt like a "marking territory" thing, which I tend to get a little squicky about. (If I want to tell someone that I am theirs, either in a giving-my-heart way or a B&D way or both, I can absolutely do that under my own power -- but nobody else gets to stake a claim on me without my affirmative consent.)
I understand what you're getting at, and it's a fair metaphor -- I'd just choose "take a stand" vs. putting down stakes or flags, if it were up to me.
-- A :)
no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 05:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 05:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 05:25 am (UTC)2. But- i know shes not going to- ever: i know this. Its a fact. But-shes my friend now. Shes part of my life-i was talking to a friend of mine who told me her buddy (two if them, actually)-cut her off cause she wouldnt fuck/date them. If i didnt want anything from this girl besides sex, i could cut her off. But shes a real friend now, i cant do that.
no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 07:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-21 07:58 am (UTC)