Porcelain Smashed Against a Concrete Floor
Mar. 9th, 2007 07:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cinema_babeOn March 28 I went on a date and when I came home in the wee hours of March 29 I made the following post that I marked as private, so no one else can see it. I need to share it now.
My mood was Hopeful.
On Tuesday the wonderful man I shared the past 346 days of my life with suffered a stroke. If things go as planned, later this morning he will be declared brain dead, removed from life support and he will provide a second chance to several other people in need of new organs.
346 days ago I was coming out of what had become a hellish divorce and I told my shrink that I wanted to take 2 years or so and just date and have fun before even considering a new relationship. I wanted to explore myself.
What a difference 1 date made. In our relationship, I had the joy of discovering *us* while finding *myself*.
I know the exact moment I realized I was in love with him and the moment he took my face in his hands and said, "Don't you know that I've fallen deeply in love with you." I hadn't even considered it until he told me.
Last night, several people who loved him as well came to say good bye. After everyone left, I kept a quiet vigil by his bedside from 3 am to 7 am; I wanted to spend one more night with him and see the sun rise as I held his warm, soft hand.
I talked to him in whispered, hushed tones. I talked to him about the trips we didn't take and sites we never saw. I talked to him about a hotel that sits on the southernmost tip of New Jersey and how we sat in the rocking chairs on the balcony and listened to the ocean. I talked about the cross country drive in my car. I talked to him about St Catherine's beach in Bermuda and how it felt to walk hand in hand through the sand with him.
The last words I spoke to him was a request for him to wait for me on that beach and take that walk with me when I got there one day.
346 days. Our relationship was not perfect, but it was good, very good. We were good to each other and good for each other. Some people spend a lifetime together and don't have 346 days like Jim and I had and those 346 days are worth every tear I shed.
"Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to they rest!"
Hamlet Act 5, Scene 2
Yesterday was a very good day. I still have not gone to bed and probably won't for a few more hours. Everyday should be filled with so many pleasant surprises.
My mood was Hopeful.
On Tuesday the wonderful man I shared the past 346 days of my life with suffered a stroke. If things go as planned, later this morning he will be declared brain dead, removed from life support and he will provide a second chance to several other people in need of new organs.
346 days ago I was coming out of what had become a hellish divorce and I told my shrink that I wanted to take 2 years or so and just date and have fun before even considering a new relationship. I wanted to explore myself.
What a difference 1 date made. In our relationship, I had the joy of discovering *us* while finding *myself*.
I know the exact moment I realized I was in love with him and the moment he took my face in his hands and said, "Don't you know that I've fallen deeply in love with you." I hadn't even considered it until he told me.
Last night, several people who loved him as well came to say good bye. After everyone left, I kept a quiet vigil by his bedside from 3 am to 7 am; I wanted to spend one more night with him and see the sun rise as I held his warm, soft hand.
I talked to him in whispered, hushed tones. I talked to him about the trips we didn't take and sites we never saw. I talked to him about a hotel that sits on the southernmost tip of New Jersey and how we sat in the rocking chairs on the balcony and listened to the ocean. I talked about the cross country drive in my car. I talked to him about St Catherine's beach in Bermuda and how it felt to walk hand in hand through the sand with him.
The last words I spoke to him was a request for him to wait for me on that beach and take that walk with me when I got there one day.
346 days. Our relationship was not perfect, but it was good, very good. We were good to each other and good for each other. Some people spend a lifetime together and don't have 346 days like Jim and I had and those 346 days are worth every tear I shed.
"Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to they rest!"
Hamlet Act 5, Scene 2
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no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 01:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 02:46 pm (UTC)I am so sorry you are going through this. And so incredibly touched at how you are honoring all that you two shared.
So much, so much....
My deepest tendernesses,
Windi
no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 03:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 07:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 07:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-10 06:02 pm (UTC)My condolences.
They tell me it wil get easier from here. I hope.
Just keep reliving the memories till you're on that beach.
:::::hug:::
no subject
Date: 2007-03-10 09:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-19 04:55 pm (UTC)I know we don't talk much but you're the most intriguing person on my FL, I look forward to your posts and read them all, even if I don't usually respond.
I can't imagine what you're going through because I've never lost anyone that close to me yet, but I can offer my blessings for the journey that awaits. I would tell you to be glad you had someone to love and be loved by so completely, but I'm sure you already know that.
If you're ever out in the middle of the country there's a cup of coffee and conversation awaiting in a cute little college town with some crazy bitch with a livejournal called "ishitpinecones". For sure.