And how did you spend your Friday night?

[cinema_babe]

I have good days and bad days and last night and today have been particularly bad. I bailed on plans I had last night, I ate crap, I've been crying pretty heavily since about 5pm yesterday. Just when I think my grief has found a bottoming out place....

The daffodils make me cry; Six Feet Under makes me cry; reaching a major milestone in the mega-project on my job makes me cry. Reading his posts makes me cry; trying to fix my XM Radio makes me cry a ratty pair of soft wool socks makes me cry. "give me those ribs, you." makes me cry.

I've been just one big sack o'tears today but I think it's finally tapering off.

Intellectually I know that time is the only fix for this. My therapist tells me this is all within the realm of normal, she tells me that 3 weeks is not long to have these *painful* charlie horses of emotion; the twin wounds of grief and loss are still raw and bleeding. She says to me, "let's look at how you're doing in 6 months.

6 Months!!!???

I know in my head that this is the 2% of the time when I'm not so sure that I'll ever be okay and I miss him and I think I'm going to go crazy and that I already am and maybe there is no god and if there is he hates me and wants me to be alone and disconnected from the rest of humanity and the sheer force of will that has carried me this far in my life just isn't enough and won't be enough and maybe I'll never be enough again and fuckfuckfuckI feel like a a million billion pin points of laser light are burning pinpoint burns all over my body, inside and out I'll never be able to call them again(whew).

2%, little more than a blip.

I am passing through this chill midnight that will last for 72 hours or less but seem eternal. I have to cling to the (right now seemingly dim) reality that these moments when I feel eviscerated that make the other 98% of the time so sweet.

I was going to start thanking people today, I'm sorry I'm just not up to it right now. I promise I will do it later. (What can I say, my family is New English and very polite, heh)

Comments

[catwithbell.livejournal.com]

I spent my Friday night cleaning and fretting about moving.

Charlie horses of emotion is such an apt phrase.
May you find some balance this week.

[cinema-babe.livejournal.com]

Thank you so very much; I hope all is going well with you. I hope I'll see you on 4/28. My balance is returning as I type.

[catwithbell.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't miss it! :)