The post where I talk about having cancer
Nov. 11th, 2005 10:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cinema_babeOne of the life roles I inhabit is 'cancer survivor" July 2004 I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. The state of the art treatment is the same as it's been for over 20 years: a complete hysterectomy. So on September 8, 2004 I wrote a letter to my uterus and ovaries telling them goodbye and thanking them. I waited until my husband was asleep (we had suspended talk of ending our marriage while I recovered) and I burned it in the back yard like an offering. The next morning, I trundled off to the hospital, got good and drugged up and slept while they removed my womb and ovaries. Afterward I had one major setback, about 6 weeks of radiation treatments and now we just watch. (Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock)
I can honestly say that I was more upset about the hysterectomy part then I was about having cancer. I'm not sure if that was because all of the medical professionals and literature touted how high the survival rate is for this type of cancer or it was just my mind's way of protecting itself.
The following was written a couple of days before I went into the hospital. I'm putting it behind a cut for now but I might change that later.
I'm 40, married, no children and will be having a hysterectomy due to endometrial cancer. I grieve every day for my "sons and daughters" I'll never know. I grieve over loosing my uterus and ovaries. I am attached to them, no matter how much trouble they've given me.
From the time we learn about sex, we wait for the day when our monthly cycles kick in, it's one the tickets to womanhood and to loose it is a painful thing emotionally (as well as physically). I've cried, tried to bargain with God, denied, been depressed, the whole gamut.
A few days ago, I was cleaning out some old medications and came across a pack of birth control pills some doctor had given me. I was flooded with a ton of anger and sadness.
When I was 14, I told my mother that my periods (which began when I was 10) weren't normal. About 2 years before, she had taken the Midol away from me because she felt I was abusing it. I was taking it all the time due to the intense cramping and pain I was having.
She took me to the family doctor who asked me if I was pregnant! While my mother was in the room !! Now even if I *was* sexually active at 14, which, backwards little nerd that I was, wouldn't happen for a number of years, I certainly would not have wanted to say so with my mother in the room.
When I was 18 the college health center issued me my first pack of BC pills. They assumed that all young women want to take the pill so they can have sex without worry. They made me nauseous, bloated and stopped my periods altogether. I finally stopped taking them on an open ended basis in my late 20s
Since then I saw countless doctors who would put me on higher dosage pills, lower dosage pills, mini pills, tri phasic pills, peach pills, pink pills, white pills, any kind of pill because "it will regulate your cycle and in 3 months (or 6 months or a year) you'll be OK. "
I took them despite my own misgivings and desire to *not* pump myself full of hormones that I was sure weren't helping me and indeed, I was sure were making things worse.
Well, now 26 years later I have endometrial cancer and they're going to take my womb and my ovaries and I am not *OK*. It seems I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It seems if it's left untreated, it eventually leads to abnormal uterine tissue that will likely become cancerous. Seems no one ever thought to check me for it even though I fit the profile. Ooops!
Seeing those birth control pills (which were given to me by yet *another* gynocologist about 2 weeks before my cancer diagnosis) made me soooooo angry. Since I was 14 I have been poked, prodded, spread, interrogated, drugged, cut and insulted and now I feel like I'm going to be raped and robbed of my sons and daughters.
I'm feeling very angry and hurt and sad today. I feel betrayed by the medical profession.
It's funny because I never thought those intense feelings would fade but they did. There are times when I can almost forget all of this happened but those moments don't last long. Surviving cancer is a 'one day at a time' proposition and for today, everything is pretty good.
I can honestly say that I was more upset about the hysterectomy part then I was about having cancer. I'm not sure if that was because all of the medical professionals and literature touted how high the survival rate is for this type of cancer or it was just my mind's way of protecting itself.
The following was written a couple of days before I went into the hospital. I'm putting it behind a cut for now but I might change that later.
I'm 40, married, no children and will be having a hysterectomy due to endometrial cancer. I grieve every day for my "sons and daughters" I'll never know. I grieve over loosing my uterus and ovaries. I am attached to them, no matter how much trouble they've given me.
From the time we learn about sex, we wait for the day when our monthly cycles kick in, it's one the tickets to womanhood and to loose it is a painful thing emotionally (as well as physically). I've cried, tried to bargain with God, denied, been depressed, the whole gamut.
A few days ago, I was cleaning out some old medications and came across a pack of birth control pills some doctor had given me. I was flooded with a ton of anger and sadness.
When I was 14, I told my mother that my periods (which began when I was 10) weren't normal. About 2 years before, she had taken the Midol away from me because she felt I was abusing it. I was taking it all the time due to the intense cramping and pain I was having.
She took me to the family doctor who asked me if I was pregnant! While my mother was in the room !! Now even if I *was* sexually active at 14, which, backwards little nerd that I was, wouldn't happen for a number of years, I certainly would not have wanted to say so with my mother in the room.
When I was 18 the college health center issued me my first pack of BC pills. They assumed that all young women want to take the pill so they can have sex without worry. They made me nauseous, bloated and stopped my periods altogether. I finally stopped taking them on an open ended basis in my late 20s
Since then I saw countless doctors who would put me on higher dosage pills, lower dosage pills, mini pills, tri phasic pills, peach pills, pink pills, white pills, any kind of pill because "it will regulate your cycle and in 3 months (or 6 months or a year) you'll be OK. "
I took them despite my own misgivings and desire to *not* pump myself full of hormones that I was sure weren't helping me and indeed, I was sure were making things worse.
Well, now 26 years later I have endometrial cancer and they're going to take my womb and my ovaries and I am not *OK*. It seems I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It seems if it's left untreated, it eventually leads to abnormal uterine tissue that will likely become cancerous. Seems no one ever thought to check me for it even though I fit the profile. Ooops!
Seeing those birth control pills (which were given to me by yet *another* gynocologist about 2 weeks before my cancer diagnosis) made me soooooo angry. Since I was 14 I have been poked, prodded, spread, interrogated, drugged, cut and insulted and now I feel like I'm going to be raped and robbed of my sons and daughters.
I'm feeling very angry and hurt and sad today. I feel betrayed by the medical profession.
It's funny because I never thought those intense feelings would fade but they did. There are times when I can almost forget all of this happened but those moments don't last long. Surviving cancer is a 'one day at a time' proposition and for today, everything is pretty good.
